Iris
by Patchcat
Summary: A quiet night with a sleeping Kagome and a haunting melody that strikes a chord within a hanyou’s mind leads to some reflective moments.


**Disclaimer: ** I do not own _Inuyasha _or any of its characters. Neither do the words to the song _Iris_ belong to me. They are the property of Rumiko Takahashi and The Goo-GooDolls/ Warner Bros. Records respectively. Thanks to Niamh for her help and suggestions.

A quiet night with a sleeping Kagome and a haunting melody that strikes a chord within a hanyou's mind leads to some reflective moments.

_You're closest to Heaven that I'll ever be _

_And I don't want to go home right now_

_I don't want the world to see me_

'_Cause I don't think that they'd understand._

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

**Iris**

I've been sitting in her window for most of the night, watching as she sleeps, and listening to the noises coming from the odd "ray-dee-yo" box that she turned on before she turned in. I came after her because she'd been gone so fucking long and it was more than time for her to be back, only to find her sleeping. I didn't have the heart to wake her. So here I sit, as I have since the sun went down, listening to that strange box of hers. I can't understand most of what it says, but I like some of the sounds it makes. Sometimes it's a harsh pounding rhythm that stirs my blood and makes my feet twitch, almost like being in a good fight; and other times it's soft and flows like the river on a lazy summer day. That's what's playing now, something soft and almost…haunting; and, for some reason, I start to think about Kagome and our friends and the life I had before they showed up.

I've changed a lot since I met them. Yeah, I'll admit it, if only to myself. I know the looks I would get from those idiots if I ever said it out loud. Miroku and Sango would just _look_ at each other, all superior and smug, like they can't believe it's taken me this long to figure it out. Shippo would probably have some smart assed remark to make, like, "It's about time," and then I'd have to bop him which would just upset Kagome.

Kagome.

I think she's probably the only one who wouldn't look at me in any way that would make me feel stupid. She's the only one who understands why I act the way I do. Well, she understands most of the time, anyway. I think it annoys her when I come to this time to fetch her, or when I make a big deal out of her coming here at all. I don't think she realizes what her presence does for me. I can't stand it when she's gone for a long time, like she has been the past week. That's why I'm sitting here now. It's selfish, and she'd probably use that damn spell if she knew, but I like to watch her sleep. Well, that and I -- I … missed… her.

Looking around her room, I come across a picture I've never seen before. It's of her and a bunch of her friends from this side of the well. Those three girls I met here not so long ago and that boy that's always asking her on "dates" look back at me from inside a silver frame, waving and smiling and having a good time. That's what she needs, I decide as I feel a small smile form briefly. Normal. Not chasing a powerful demon with a grudge. Not risking her life every day for the sake of a broken jewel -- and definitely not being associated with a ratty hanyou with nothing to his name but a sword and an attitude.

It seems like all I ever do is break the people who love me. My mother was scorned and ridiculed just because I was born. Anyone who ever tried to be my friend had the same thing happen to them. Run out of villages, rocks and other, viler things thrown at them, and all because they took pity on a small boy that nobody wanted. Kikyo… God, Kikyo. She didn't deserve the life fate handed her. All she ever wanted was to be normal, and because she loved me, she never got that chance.

The others don't think so, but I do know that that thing walking around out there isn't the Kikyo I loved 50 years ago. My Kikyo never would have tried to kill an innocent, and she sure as hell would never have helped a monster like Naraku. No. I know that's not her -- now. It took me a long time to grasp the fact that she was dead. I mean, damn. I had just woken up and been told that the woman I loved didn't live past killing me, and then to have her come back to life? Well, let's just say that I was one confused hanyou and leave it at that. It didn't help that this innocent young girl was trying her hardest to get past the barriers I had put up. It really didn't help that she was succeeding where even Kikyo, the woman I was willing to turn human for, had failed.

I turn my head a little when I hear Kagome fidget in her sleep. She's kicked the blanket off, the silly bitch. I get up and walk over there to tuck it back around her and can't help but stare at her sleeping face. I would give up everything about me that makes me such a monster if only she would ask, if it would keep her safe from the same fate. I wonder sometimes if she knows that. But why would she ever think about stuff like that? I'm really not worth it.

I sit down next to the bed and rest my head next to hers on the mattress, and I realize what an idiot I am. The truth is she would never ask that of me. She accepts me as I am. How many times has she said that she didn't care _what_ form I took because all she ever saw was Inuyasha? I reach out and gently move a bit of her hair that's fallen in her face, and I can't stop the words that come out in the barest of whispers, "If you taught me anything, Kagome, it's that _I_ am worth fighting for."

It's never ceased to amaze me that she is willing to take on some of the toughest demons imaginable on my account. It's always surprised me to realize that she likes who I am on the inside, and it's never mattered to her that I have claws and fangs -- and dog ears, can't forget the dog ears. I remember her admitting that the first thing she did when she saw me hanging from that tree was come up and pet my ears, and I can't stop the soft chuckle that escapes. It just amazes me that the very things that make me different, the things that have caused so much pain and bloodshed in my life, are the things that Kagome likes most about me.

But she doesn't realize that it is those ears she thinks are so cute and the claws that have protected her are what mark me as having tainted blood. Because of that I was forced to learn how to fight, how to kill, just to survive in this world. Even now, after all this time, I am still forced to prove that I can protect those I care for. How many times has Kagome been kidnapped because my enemies thought I was too weak to protect her? How many times have my friends been in trouble because of the weakness in my blood and the phase of the moon? How many times have they all been in danger because my brother thinks the world would be better off without the insult to our father's blood?

Yet, they stay. They all stay by my side -- this rag-tag group of warriors -- because of the young woman who sleeps so trustingly in my presence. Because of her, I have friends I can count on no matter what odds we're up against and no matter what form I'm in. It doesn't matter to any of them that I am tainted or that I can't always control the instincts and emotions that rage through and consume me sometimes. She has shown them all that there is more to me than what flows in my veins or twitches on top of my head. They are my friends, and they stay, not with the hanyou, but with me, Inuyasha.

It's only now, as I sit and stare at Kagome's sweetly sleeping face that I realize that _this_ is what I have been looking for all along. This one girl has given me everything I have ever really needed -- and all by seeing beyond this outer shell. When Kagome looks at me, she doesn't see the hanyou; the vile, hated monster with tainted blood; the despised creature who is only a short step up from an animal; the murderous beast that dwells in deepest nightmare and darkest night. No, she sees through the lies and misdirection I put up around myself long ago.

She has seen my heart and all the uncertainties I try to hide from the world, and she has become my strength. She freed me from so many things and brought life back to my world. She comforts me when I need it, even though it makes me look weak, and she chastises and argues with me when I need that, too. She has brought friends to me, and given me a place to belong. For that I will always be grateful to her, and for that I will always protect her.

One day I'll tell her all that is in my heart and mind. I'll tell her what all she's done for me, and I'll thank her properly. For now, though, I can't take the chance that someone will see how I've changed and use it against me, or that they'll see how much she means to me and take her away. I don't think I could handle another person I love being hurt because of me. Yeah, love. I'll admit that, too, but only to myself. I don't know if I'll ever tell her. The future is still so unpredictable, what with the Jewel and Naraku and all. Besides, I think we're both pretty okay with the way things are right now. Why change what works?

I glance up to the window and see that it's nearly dawn. I really don't want to be caught here, especially now when I know that she'll ask me why I'm here and what I've been thinking about. I don't know how she does it, but Kagome always knows when I've been thinking. It really annoys the hell out of me.

I stand and stretch a little before walking over to the window. I know that I'll have some explaining to do when I get back to the village. Miroku, Sango, and Shippo will want to know where I've been all night and when Kagome's coming back, but I find that that thought doesn't bother me as much as it used to. They worry about me, and that's one more thing to thank Kagome for.

"One day," I whisper to her. Then I turn and jump out the window and return to the friends she has brought to me.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming _

_Or the moment of truth in your lies_

_When everything feels like the movies --_

_Yeah ya bleed just to know you're alive._


End file.
